For Type A, eldest daughters, gifted program grads, and rule followers like myself; failure sucks. It is simply the worst. My initial reaction to any type of failure- whether it be academic, athletic, or relational- is “I suck as a human being”. Where did this narrative come from? Not sure, but I blame the internet (as I do for most of my issues). The social media bombardment of 22 year olds buying their first homes, getting married, and getting the most amazing job post-grad exacerbates every failure I experience due to comparison. But just like anxiety surrounding fitness, anxiety regarding failure is not the way we have to live. Approach failure with a SERENE STRENGTH mentality of training to failure to stop holding ourselves back.
Failure is something we will all face, yet it’s still stigmatized, which can sometimes create an isolating experience. People are rarely public about where they fail. It isn’t something posted on social media or highlighted on linked-in. We convince ourselves we are the only ones to feel the shame or embarrassment of failing since we don’t see other people being public about it. But failure, in reality, is far more common than success. For high-achievers especially, the standards we hold ourselves to are often not just high but perfectionistic, making it all too easy to view anything less than ideal as a failure. By holding onto this black-and-white thinking, we diminish the value of progress and focus solely on outcomes. With SERENE STRENGTH, however, we can reshape our mindset and learn to value the lessons in failure rather than let it define us.
My sophomore year of college I took the required entrepreneurship course entitled “The Entrepreneurial Mindset”. A core tenant of this course was about instilling a “failure is okay” mindset into students. Failure is inevitable and a chance to grow. Instead of allowing failure to keep us from pursuing scary and unknown things – it should be accepted as normal. Not every new business will be the next great thing. Not every test will be your highest grade. There will come moments in each of our lives where we have to accept that being perfect is unreasonable. And failure is how we learn.
I think this concept works wonderfully with the idea of doing reps until failure when it comes to weightlifting. Doing an exercise until failure means that you do the exercise until you physically cannot anymore. You know you are training your hardest when you get to this point and usually you are able to see amazing results. Training to failure in fitness is not a bad thing, it is always considered a mentally tough thing to do. If we can get to the point to train until failure, to work your absolute hardest and being okay with the levels of energy you can give to something, we can approach Failure in life in an anxiety free way. There is freedom in knowing that you gave something all you had to give. Below are six steps to follow to help redefine how you perceive failure.
1. Redefine Success and Failure Start by recognizing that success doesn’t mean avoiding failure
This idea means navigating failure with resilience. Look beyond the traditional metrics of success and embrace a broader view: success can be growth, perseverance, learning, or just making it through a tough day. When we broaden our definition of success, we give ourselves more room to appreciate our strengths, even when we stumble. Each failure becomes an opportunity to understand what we can do differently next time. Failure, seen through this lens, becomes just another part of our growth.
2. Practice Self-Compassion A SERENE STRENGTH approach to failure involves turning down the volume on our inner critic.
For many high-achievers, especially eldest daughters and honor roll alumns, the automatic response to failure is self-blame. We feel like we’re not “good enough” because we didn’t meet our self-imposed standards. Instead, approach failure with compassion. Remind yourself that you’re allowed to make mistakes and that those mistakes don’t define you. Self-compassion allows us to take the lessons from failure without letting it shake our self-worth.
3. Learn to Let Go of Control Control
This often a comforting thought for Type A individuals; we believe that if we just plan or work hard enough, we can guarantee certain outcomes. But life is unpredictable, and sometimes things go sideways despite our best efforts. Learning to accept that we’re not always in control is crucial for navigating failure with resilience. When things don’t go as planned, take a step back and assess what you can realistically control and what you can’t. Focus your energy on what’s within your reach and let go of the rest.
4. Embrace Vulnerability and Openness
Social media and societal expectations can make it feel like everyone around us is achieving major milestones effortlessly. But everyone has moments of doubt and failure—many just don’t share it publicly. When we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable about our failures, we create space for genuine connection and support. Reach out to friends, mentors, or family members. Being open about failure can transform it into a source of community and strength rather than isolation.
5. Re-frame Comparison as Inspiration
When we compare ourselves to others, especially those sharing only highlight reels, it’s easy to feel “behind” or unworthy. But what if, instead of comparing ourselves with a sense of inadequacy, we re-framed it as inspiration? Let the successes of others encourage you rather than make you feel lesser. Use their journeys as motivation, while understanding that yours will look different—and that’s okay. Re-frame comparison to fuel your journey, not to undermine it.
6. Build Resilience Through Reflection
A SERENE STRENGTH mindset encourages reflection. After experiencing failure, take time to assess what happened, why, and how you can approach things differently next time. Reflection doesn’t mean dwelling on the negative; it’s about learning and applying those lessons to move forward with renewed strength. By doing this, failure becomes a tool for resilience rather than a barrier.
In life, failure is inevitable, but suffering through it doesn’t have to be. We can choose to face it with grace, strength, and self-compassion. Embrace the SERENE STRENGTH mindset and allow failure to be a stepping stone, not a setback. Each experience of failure brings us closer to growth, teaching us lessons and building a resilience that will support us through all of life’s twists and turns.
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